George M. Cohen wrote that Mary, was a
grand old name. He even insisted that
derivations of Mary, like Marie and Maria, were not quite as grand nor as
lovely. Which makes me wonder what they
were thinking when some of today’s parents named their children? Or for that matter, what possesses adults to
change their perfectly acceptable names to something that makes no sense?
I was watching LL Cool J doing a
pretty good job of catching the bad guys on a TV show the other night and
wondered what people actually called him to his face. Do you say, ‘Hey, how’s it happening
LL?’ Or is it, ‘Great show Mr.
Cool?’ What then happens to the J part of
his name? Is it left flapping in the
breeze like a sole coming away from an old shoe?
And what about Ice-T? He’s been keeping Law & Order for years
and I’m still at a loss to understand how one would address him. ‘Would you like a glass of iced tea Mr.
Ice-T?’ And then of course there’s
Ice-Cube, just to confuse matters completely.
Of course there are some names that
actually do suit the person to whom they’re applied. Snoop Dog, for instance. He looks a lot like a skinny beagle so top
marks for that one Mr. Dog. But, 50
Cent? Is that supposed to indicate how
much he has in his off-shore account or how much he wants to be paid for future
appearances? Another puzzlement for me
to ponder!
Then, there are the girls’ names. Poor Gwyneth Paltrow has been hammered nearly
to death because she named her daughter, Apple.
Ms. Paltrow’s excuse for this was that an apple is such a pretty
fruit…so why not call an adorable baby a piece of fruit? Why not indeed? Perhaps because the kid will thump you in the
kneecaps when she gets older, would be my best guess, but that’s just me.
Beyonce’s baby girl got stuck with Blue
Ivy. Not too awful until you realize
that her Dad’s name is Jay Z. As we all
know, kids can be cruel, so I wonder how long it might be until someone latches
on to BlueJay or BlueZee and it devolves from there.
And let us not forget the different
and various spellings of names that once upon a time were quite easy to
remember and spell. Cheyna, Chyna,
Ashlee, Ashleigh, Ashley…the list goes on and on.
But the name we should all feel truly
mystified by is Blanket. Now I’m fully
aware that the parents of Blanket were probably not working with a full deck
when the name cropped up in conversation, but just how many brain cells do you
have to have to realize that a blanket goes on a bed and not on a baby’s birth
certificate? And there isn’t even a way
to cute-ify it (don’t nitpick…if Blanket can be a name, cute-ify can be a
word!). Bla, Blan, Blankie…yikes!
And what happens when the child
becomes an adult and decides to marry the girl of his dreams? I can picture it now:
‘Do you Blanket, take Pillow for your
wedded wife?’ And all the bedposts
applauded the union.
Now I know friends might point out
that I gave my daughter an unusual name, but it is still an acceptable girl’s
name and not a name gleaned from the local orchard, vegetable garden or linen
closet.
I think George M. Cohen had a good
point. Let’s get back to those grand old
names of yore and stop trying to outdo each other with just how ‘different’ we
can be in choosing a baby’s name.
