A Grand Old Name

            George M. Cohen wrote that Mary, was a grand old name.  He even insisted that derivations of Mary, like Marie and Maria, were not quite as grand nor as lovely.  Which makes me wonder what they were thinking when some of today’s parents named their children?  Or for that matter, what possesses adults to change their perfectly acceptable names to something that makes no sense?

          I was watching LL Cool J doing a pretty good job of catching the bad guys on a TV show the other night and wondered what people actually called him to his face.  Do you say, ‘Hey, how’s it happening LL?’  Or is it, ‘Great show Mr. Cool?’  What then happens to the J part of his name?  Is it left flapping in the breeze like a sole coming away from an old shoe?

          And what about Ice-T?  He’s been keeping Law & Order for years and I’m still at a loss to understand how one would address him.  ‘Would you like a glass of iced tea Mr. Ice-T?’  And then of course there’s Ice-Cube, just to confuse matters completely.

          Of course there are some names that actually do suit the person to whom they’re applied.  Snoop Dog, for instance.  He looks a lot like a skinny beagle so top marks for that one Mr. Dog.  But, 50 Cent?  Is that supposed to indicate how much he has in his off-shore account or how much he wants to be paid for future appearances?  Another puzzlement for me to ponder!

          Then, there are the girls’ names.  Poor Gwyneth Paltrow has been hammered nearly to death because she named her daughter, Apple.  Ms. Paltrow’s excuse for this was that an apple is such a pretty fruit…so why not call an adorable baby a piece of fruit?  Why not indeed?  Perhaps because the kid will thump you in the kneecaps when she gets older, would be my best guess, but that’s just me.

          Beyonce’s baby girl got stuck with Blue Ivy.  Not too awful until you realize that her Dad’s name is Jay Z.   As we all know, kids can be cruel, so I wonder how long it might be until someone latches on to BlueJay or BlueZee and it devolves from there.

          And let us not forget the different and various spellings of names that once upon a time were quite easy to remember and spell.  Cheyna, Chyna, Ashlee, Ashleigh, Ashley…the list goes on and on.

          But the name we should all feel truly mystified by is Blanket.  Now I’m fully aware that the parents of Blanket were probably not working with a full deck when the name cropped up in conversation, but just how many brain cells do you have to have to realize that a blanket goes on a bed and not on a baby’s birth certificate?  And there isn’t even a way to cute-ify it (don’t nitpick…if Blanket can be a name, cute-ify can be a word!).   Bla, Blan, Blankie…yikes!

          And what happens when the child becomes an adult and decides to marry the girl of his dreams?  I can picture it now:

          ‘Do you Blanket, take Pillow for your wedded wife?’  And all the bedposts applauded the union.

          Now I know friends might point out that I gave my daughter an unusual name, but it is still an acceptable girl’s name and not a name gleaned from the local orchard, vegetable garden or linen closet.

          I think George M. Cohen had a good point.  Let’s get back to those grand old names of yore and stop trying to outdo each other with just how ‘different’ we can be in choosing a baby’s name.